NEWSFLASH

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for some life changing breaking news.

Ready?

Life is complicated.

Tada! I am well aware that I have yet to hit the prime of it’s complexity. I’m a mere and youthful 23-year-old. Most of you that are reading this are probably like: “What the heck is she talking about, she’s probably only hit her period a few years ago. She has no idea.”

This may be true, but I have A BIT of an idea. I’m also not stupid so I’m well aware of my surroundings, too aware I may add. I’m too aware of everything and anything. It’s such a headache. I have no idea where I got this trait, it definitely does not make life any easier.

If people don’t talk to me, I think they don’t care about me. I know this isn’t the case though, because I also don’t always talk to the people I care about, not often enough anyways. I’m not a phone person, so I don’t often have phone conversations like the old days. I remember my longest phone conversation was like 6 hours with some guy, I have no idea what we talked about for so long. It’s sad to say that the only phone calls I get these days are from staffing at work. Even then, I often don’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I’m a texter. I text anything and everything. Some things that I text, I know I shouldn’t be texting because the topic of conversation would be more appropriate in person or on the phone, but when I feel like I have to say something, I say it.

The people close to me the most know this about me, but I am not very emotional or affectionate. The only person who I’m ever emotional or affectionate to is my boyfriend. This is not a conscious decision. It just happened. I hate being vulnerable. I have no idea why my unconscious psyche decided it would be appropriate to be the most vulnerable to whoever I’m dating, of all people. The person that has the capacity to be able to hurt me the most. Stupid psyche.

My mind is weird. I am weird. I am a lot more vocal about my feelings these days. A habit I acquired from an ex. I don’t know whether to be thankful or spiteful. But I definitely do not like being needy or emotional.

I am independent, as independent as a person can be. I make people feel unneeded most times, my family especially. I don’t like asking for help, whether it’s my personal  life or my work life. I don’t even like talking about my personal life sometimes. I don’t like to ask for advice because 99% of the time, they’re biased and unhelpful. Most times, they only make you feel even worse than you already did. I can handle things, stressful and complicated things.

I honestly wish I could care less about things and people. I care too much and most times it’s not reciprocated to the same capacity. I know they say to do things for people without expecting anything back, but it’s hard. I still like to think that people would return the favour. But people think differently, and I think too much.

I think I need to read more to get my mind off things that need to be thought about less. I also say sorry too much and ask people too many questions about what they want. I’m a people pleaser but I’m not? Does that make sense? I have no idea. Nobody ever asks me what I want though. But maybe that’s my fault? Being too independent and all, people probably think I’d just ask or something or don’t need anything or anyone.

Who knows, I don’t sometimes.

Despite all this, I feel like I have my shit together compared to most people my age.

I just have to figure out the whole feelings and caring thing. It’s a learning process.

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That Dreaded Life Timeline

Let’s face it, at one time or another, everyone had a timeline. The naive, yet optimistic, probably still do. Brutally honest, but you have to be a little naive to think that life falls exactly into place at specific times. Specially if you are in your mid-20’s or so, it just means you’ve yet to experience life. Or, you’re just in perpetual denial. I’m not saying I’m starting to become cynical, just more realistic that’s all. The two can easily be confused with the other. I still believe in good people, love, and all that good stuff. I’m just more aware of the opposite.

What did the naive in me think?
I thought that I’d be married by 25, kids by 28 the latest and so on. I’m only 23 so that could still happen, but I won’t know until I get there. Things will happen for me when it’s my time. I’m in no rush.

What are some of the things I don’t believe in?
-Love at first sight. I feel like this is more infatuation more than anything. How do you know you love someone without knowing who they really are? I know I fall easily, but I also fall out easily. But that’s just the impulsive/passionate Leo in me. I’m too critical to fall in love at first sight.
-Destiny? What is destiny? Dictionary.com says “the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.” I don’t believe anything is predetermined. I think a lot of things are by coincidence. I know I question why things happen sometimes, but it’s hard to believe that each of our lives has a specific course it’s suppose to take.
-Religion. I just don’t. I don’t have anything against people who believe in religion, just don’t impose it on other people. Morals and values exist outside of religion and you’re naive and stupid if you think otherwise. I don’t believe in the bible and it’s contents. Don’t try to convince me because I’m not looking to get convinced. I was brought up Catholic for 18 years, so I’m not just some outside entity who has had no exposure. I’ve had tons and I’ve had enough of it.

I would still like to believe that there is such thing as “forever.” That each person will find someone that they’re compatible with and will spend the rest of their lives with. I want that. The vows, the struggles, the laughs, the vulnerability, the togetherness, I want that with someone. But I know it’ll take time. I’m still so young but I’ve learned to stop expecting things to happen at certain times, I just know things happen for people if they are open to it. Love for example, people may continuously complain about being alone and how it’d be nice to be with someone. But love takes A LOT of sacrifice in every aspect. It’s not just the good stuff. What defines a relationship for me are the struggles. If we can pull through our fights and deal with them in a mature and respectful way and come out stronger, then I’ll know that it’s a relationship worth being in.

It is a slow process, old habits are hard to break, but I’m willing to learn. I’m still a-glass-half-full type of girl but I’m also human.