Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for some life changing breaking news.
Life is complicated.
Tada! I am well aware that I have yet to hit the prime of it’s complexity. I’m a mere and youthful 23-year-old. Most of you that are reading this are probably like: “What the heck is she talking about, she’s probably only hit her period a few years ago. She has no idea.”
This may be true, but I have A BIT of an idea. I’m also not stupid so I’m well aware of my surroundings, too aware I may add. I’m too aware of everything and anything. It’s such a headache. I have no idea where I got this trait, it definitely does not make life any easier.
If people don’t talk to me, I think they don’t care about me. I know this isn’t the case though, because I also don’t always talk to the people I care about, not often enough anyways. I’m not a phone person, so I don’t often have phone conversations like the old days. I remember my longest phone conversation was like 6 hours with some guy, I have no idea what we talked about for so long. It’s sad to say that the only phone calls I get these days are from staffing at work. Even then, I often don’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I’m a texter. I text anything and everything. Some things that I text, I know I shouldn’t be texting because the topic of conversation would be more appropriate in person or on the phone, but when I feel like I have to say something, I say it.
The people close to me the most know this about me, but I am not very emotional or affectionate. The only person who I’m ever emotional or affectionate to is my boyfriend. This is not a conscious decision. It just happened. I hate being vulnerable. I have no idea why my unconscious psyche decided it would be appropriate to be the most vulnerable to whoever I’m dating, of all people. The person that has the capacity to be able to hurt me the most. Stupid psyche.
My mind is weird. I am weird. I am a lot more vocal about my feelings these days. A habit I acquired from an ex. I don’t know whether to be thankful or spiteful. But I definitely do not like being needy or emotional.
I am independent, as independent as a person can be. I make people feel unneeded most times, my family especially. I don’t like asking for help, whether it’s my personal life or my work life. I don’t even like talking about my personal life sometimes. I don’t like to ask for advice because 99% of the time, they’re biased and unhelpful. Most times, they only make you feel even worse than you already did. I can handle things, stressful and complicated things.
I honestly wish I could care less about things and people. I care too much and most times it’s not reciprocated to the same capacity. I know they say to do things for people without expecting anything back, but it’s hard. I still like to think that people would return the favour. But people think differently, and I think too much.
I think I need to read more to get my mind off things that need to be thought about less. I also say sorry too much and ask people too many questions about what they want. I’m a people pleaser but I’m not? Does that make sense? I have no idea. Nobody ever asks me what I want though. But maybe that’s my fault? Being too independent and all, people probably think I’d just ask or something or don’t need anything or anyone.
Who knows, I don’t sometimes.
Despite all this, I feel like I have my shit together compared to most people my age.
I just have to figure out the whole feelings and caring thing. It’s a learning process.