Modern Day Romance

I’ve been neglecting this blog for quite a while. Why? Because I’ve been lazy and my netbook sucks.

But I thought I’d revisit this short-lived hobby of mine, it’s the new year after all. Also, I don’t want to degrade into an illiterate mess, my grammar is already questionable. I’m also currently addicted to the band HAIM, they’re amazing. 

Enough distractions! So romance?

Sometimes I wish I was born back then, when romance was easy and effort was tangible. Tangible in the means of little love notes or stupid little trinkets. In this modern age, full of electronics and distractions, I feel that romance is so easily neglected. Is it so impossible to expect a little more than the norm nowadays? These days, I feel like people show more interest in looking things up on the internet or staring at their iPhones to notice that their significant other has just become the other. People forget that relationships take effort, a lot of it. Just because you’ve passed the initial reeling-in part doesn’t excuse you from the constant effort to keep the person interested. I read this article from The Province, http://www.theprovince.com/life/please+married+loving+partners+less+change+that/9351627/story.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter. Now I am not in a sexless relationship, but I feel that what this article features is what most relationships end up being, a platonic non-intimate companionship. Personally, sex is extremely important. It’s the difference between a platonic and romantic relationship. Call me naive, but I can’t see myself being in a “romantic” relationship with barely enough sex. This is one of the reasons why marriage scares me. It’s not the commitment part, it’s the lack-of-intimacy part I fear. You always hear about these long-term couples who never have sex anymore, and both think it’s okay. It’s so odd to me. If you’re attracted to someone and love them, shouldn’t you want to be intimate with them? I feel like one or the other, or both, is missing if you don’t. Especially if there aren’t any kids involved, what’s the excuse? If there is a want, for anything, there will always be time. If there’s time for you to play Angry Birds on your iPhone or to surf Facebook and you’re in a non-intimate relationship, maybe you should allocate some of that time to be intimate. Or just end it if that’s what the relationship is heading towards anyways. I’m a hypocrite for saying that because I’ve been through that situation before. But to each persons priorities I guess. Just know that your significant other will not stay significant if you don’t put in the constant effort.

Now I am more than aware that romance isn’t completely non-existent, they exist, as per my social media “friends.” I am a devoted individual, to both my friends, family, and significant other, but I need passion. Not fictional The Notebook passion, realistic passion. I want to feel needed and missed. Grab me and hug me so tight I can’t breathe. Kiss me just because you feel like it, not because you feel you need to or I’ve asked you. I’ve felt it before. I know it exists outside of Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling’s on and off-screen chemistry.

A friend told me once that love should be easy, a rather naive man I should add. I feel like if it is, it’s superficial. Love is inherently complicated. It’s an abstract concept as it is, no definition. It’s different for every person. Some fall fast, some slow, some never. How can an abstract concept be easy? How long is too long for someone to wait for their significant other to say those 3 words? I have no idea. I struggle with it sometimes because I don’t know. But I find comfort in not knowing the timeline. Is it enough for someone to act it but not say it? Personally, I say no. Actions mean more than words, but if you feel it, why not say it? If the other person is being honest about their feelings, verbally and physically, it’s only fair for the other person to do the same. Otherwise I feel like it’s not the right relationship to be in. Sometimes I wish I would have made this blog anonymous so I could be more candid about what I want to write, but no use looking back, I guess. (Also, I just wrote right instead of write back there, holy crap I need to blog more). I sometimes dabble deleting all of my social media accounts to see if I can feel better about certain things, but we’ll see. 

If you want to give me some advice, please do. I’m always open for what my readers have to say. 

I’m sure I’ve mentioned a lot of the things I just wrote about, but nothing much has changed. We’re still in the digital age of romance, or lack thereof. 

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Why Your Ex is Your Ex.

Admit it, more than a few of you have dabbled with the idea of getting back together with that ex of yours. You think, “maybe the time we spent away from each other made him/her realize that we’re meant to be.” Or, “I’ve been dating since we broke up and nothing seems to work out, maybe it’s because he/she’s the one?”

Probably not. The catalyst that even suggests the idea in your head is likely the comfort of familiarity. Sure, you and your ex spent a lot of great moments together, shared some horrible fights, and you were each others’ best friend. I’ve been there, I understand, but they are your ex for a reason. It didn’t work out for a reason. Of course there are some couples who get back together and end up happily ever after. But those are rare, like heels that don’t hurt after a few minutes rare. But most often, people do the whole exhausting tango of getting back together, break up, getting back together, breaking up, and so on. It’s not worth it, and it’s a waste of both of your time.

I know the idea of a new relationship and starting over is a scary thought. You have to get to know each other from scratch, get to know each others’ friends and family (worry about whether they’ll like you or not), and get to that comfort level of farting in front of each other (which I do not suggest, unless it happens by accident. In which case, you can try to blame it on the leather couch I hope you’re sitting on.) But maybe you’re just lucky enough to be dating a weirdo who thinks it’s cute when their significant other farts. But I’m a nurse, so farts are the least of my worries when it comes to odours. I don’t think it’s cute, but it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s naturale. Enough about farts, though.

Investing your time in a brand new relationship makes a lot more sense than trying to invest more time in a relationship that already didn’t work. You don’t ever want to get into a place in a relationship where the only thing holding you together is the fact that you’ve already spent so much time together. It makes sense but it doesn’t. Especially if he or she cheated on you, move on. Cheaters will always be cheaters in my opinion. Trust is such a vital component of a relationship. You need to be with someone who you can trust to go out to bars, get drunk, and come home to you without a sense of guilt attached. You deserve someone who loves you and only you. Unless you’re into polyamory. That’s cool if it’s mutual. Personally, it’s not for me. I’m a one man type of woman.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown make you fall back into your old ways. Familiarity is great and so comforting. But your old relationship did not work out for a reason. You may have wanted different things, were in different places in your life, so move on. Those things are not going to change. Sometimes they do, but often they don’t. The other person may make you think otherwise because they also want familiarity back, but it’s likely not going to work out in the long run.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


HAPPY NEW YEARS TO EVERYONE! I’m going to a pretty casual pub tonight but I’ve accepted that I’ll be perpetually over-dressed for everything. I live in nursing scrubs and no make-up. I think I deserve to over-dress for things.

2012 was a year full of challenges and success. I feel like it was definitely “my” year.

I finished my Bachelor’s. I passed my licensing exam. I have a wonderful job in an industry I’ve been yearning to work in since I could remember. My 3 year relationship ended. I’m now in a new relationship with a wonderful man. A new apartment with new furniture. A healthier me. Reconnecting with old friends and making new ones.

2012 was a year full of milestones. I loved every minute of it.

I loved 2012. I can’t wait for the future. I’m sure it’ll be just as exciting. It’ll be just as challenging. But I’m ready.

I hope everyone’s 2012 was just as amazing as mine, if not, don’t lose hope. There’s tons of time for new beginnings if you’re open to it. And if you ask me, be open to it.  It’s the scariest thing, you’ll feel so vulnerable, but it’ll be so worth it.

I’ll cut this post off with a gag worthy cliche.

Live. Love. Laugh

Remember! Get as drunk as your heart desires but DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE! Please!

NEWSFLASH

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for some life changing breaking news.

Ready?

Life is complicated.

Tada! I am well aware that I have yet to hit the prime of it’s complexity. I’m a mere and youthful 23-year-old. Most of you that are reading this are probably like: “What the heck is she talking about, she’s probably only hit her period a few years ago. She has no idea.”

This may be true, but I have A BIT of an idea. I’m also not stupid so I’m well aware of my surroundings, too aware I may add. I’m too aware of everything and anything. It’s such a headache. I have no idea where I got this trait, it definitely does not make life any easier.

If people don’t talk to me, I think they don’t care about me. I know this isn’t the case though, because I also don’t always talk to the people I care about, not often enough anyways. I’m not a phone person, so I don’t often have phone conversations like the old days. I remember my longest phone conversation was like 6 hours with some guy, I have no idea what we talked about for so long. It’s sad to say that the only phone calls I get these days are from staffing at work. Even then, I often don’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I’m a texter. I text anything and everything. Some things that I text, I know I shouldn’t be texting because the topic of conversation would be more appropriate in person or on the phone, but when I feel like I have to say something, I say it.

The people close to me the most know this about me, but I am not very emotional or affectionate. The only person who I’m ever emotional or affectionate to is my boyfriend. This is not a conscious decision. It just happened. I hate being vulnerable. I have no idea why my unconscious psyche decided it would be appropriate to be the most vulnerable to whoever I’m dating, of all people. The person that has the capacity to be able to hurt me the most. Stupid psyche.

My mind is weird. I am weird. I am a lot more vocal about my feelings these days. A habit I acquired from an ex. I don’t know whether to be thankful or spiteful. But I definitely do not like being needy or emotional.

I am independent, as independent as a person can be. I make people feel unneeded most times, my family especially. I don’t like asking for help, whether it’s my personal  life or my work life. I don’t even like talking about my personal life sometimes. I don’t like to ask for advice because 99% of the time, they’re biased and unhelpful. Most times, they only make you feel even worse than you already did. I can handle things, stressful and complicated things.

I honestly wish I could care less about things and people. I care too much and most times it’s not reciprocated to the same capacity. I know they say to do things for people without expecting anything back, but it’s hard. I still like to think that people would return the favour. But people think differently, and I think too much.

I think I need to read more to get my mind off things that need to be thought about less. I also say sorry too much and ask people too many questions about what they want. I’m a people pleaser but I’m not? Does that make sense? I have no idea. Nobody ever asks me what I want though. But maybe that’s my fault? Being too independent and all, people probably think I’d just ask or something or don’t need anything or anyone.

Who knows, I don’t sometimes.

Despite all this, I feel like I have my shit together compared to most people my age.

I just have to figure out the whole feelings and caring thing. It’s a learning process.

That Dreaded Life Timeline

Let’s face it, at one time or another, everyone had a timeline. The naive, yet optimistic, probably still do. Brutally honest, but you have to be a little naive to think that life falls exactly into place at specific times. Specially if you are in your mid-20’s or so, it just means you’ve yet to experience life. Or, you’re just in perpetual denial. I’m not saying I’m starting to become cynical, just more realistic that’s all. The two can easily be confused with the other. I still believe in good people, love, and all that good stuff. I’m just more aware of the opposite.

What did the naive in me think?
I thought that I’d be married by 25, kids by 28 the latest and so on. I’m only 23 so that could still happen, but I won’t know until I get there. Things will happen for me when it’s my time. I’m in no rush.

What are some of the things I don’t believe in?
-Love at first sight. I feel like this is more infatuation more than anything. How do you know you love someone without knowing who they really are? I know I fall easily, but I also fall out easily. But that’s just the impulsive/passionate Leo in me. I’m too critical to fall in love at first sight.
-Destiny? What is destiny? Dictionary.com says “the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.” I don’t believe anything is predetermined. I think a lot of things are by coincidence. I know I question why things happen sometimes, but it’s hard to believe that each of our lives has a specific course it’s suppose to take.
-Religion. I just don’t. I don’t have anything against people who believe in religion, just don’t impose it on other people. Morals and values exist outside of religion and you’re naive and stupid if you think otherwise. I don’t believe in the bible and it’s contents. Don’t try to convince me because I’m not looking to get convinced. I was brought up Catholic for 18 years, so I’m not just some outside entity who has had no exposure. I’ve had tons and I’ve had enough of it.

I would still like to believe that there is such thing as “forever.” That each person will find someone that they’re compatible with and will spend the rest of their lives with. I want that. The vows, the struggles, the laughs, the vulnerability, the togetherness, I want that with someone. But I know it’ll take time. I’m still so young but I’ve learned to stop expecting things to happen at certain times, I just know things happen for people if they are open to it. Love for example, people may continuously complain about being alone and how it’d be nice to be with someone. But love takes A LOT of sacrifice in every aspect. It’s not just the good stuff. What defines a relationship for me are the struggles. If we can pull through our fights and deal with them in a mature and respectful way and come out stronger, then I’ll know that it’s a relationship worth being in.

It is a slow process, old habits are hard to break, but I’m willing to learn. I’m still a-glass-half-full type of girl but I’m also human.

SCREAM!

Not the movie, I just feel like that right now. I don’t mean: I-want-to-dress-up-in-a-cape-and-mask-and-murder-people. I mean, I just want to figuratively “scream” I’m so frustrated.

I should really be sleeping right now since I have a super early morning tomorrow, but I’ve got too many thoughts in my head to do so. Too many negative thoughts I may add. 90% of the time I try to be as positive as I can, considering my job title, I see a lot of negativity in my daily life. I try to be that sunshine that brings smiles to other people’s faces.

BUT, there is that 10% where I feel like I’m allowed to be negative, angry, and insecure. I am pissed right now, like SO annoyed. Sometimes I wish this blog was anonymous so I can be more open about what’s going on in my life, but, it’s not, so too bad for me. Let’s just emphasize how annoyed I am that something is not going to happen. You know when you’re SUPER excited about something and then find out it’s likely NOT to happen, but there’s still a small chance of it happening? And you’re annoyed at the possibility of it not happening because you’re super excited, so you’re like FUCK IT, I don’t want it anymore. I’m like that right now.

click on it, it’s a wonderful .gif

And because I’m a girl, I’m putting in passive aggressive comments into the mix. Such things like: “I don’t care”, “whatever”, “sorry, I’m being bitchy (but after the comment continue to be bitchy anyways)”, “do whatever you want”, etc. It doesn’t help that I was feeling insecure earlier this week about certain things. I’m not afraid to share the fact that I had a crying driving session on my way to work. Everyone needs a good cry sometimes. But that was settled, kind of. It’s one of those things where you still need to see some things change before you can say they’re actually settled. I know I just got back from Vegas, but I feel like I need to get away again already. Is that bad? Wanting to escape instead of dealing with things? I feel like people can agree with me about this, but whoooo knows. I’m really not in such a bad place, just having a super bitchy/bad mood night. I am glad I’m working tomorrow because I forget about things when I’m there, happiest place I can be. Weird to say I know since it’s a hospital, but I feel the most in my element when I’m there and I love seeing my cute little old patients :).

Also, my grammar is really bad when I’m angry, so excuse me. Hope everyone gets better sleep than me tonight.

Being a Grown Up is Scary

Image

my favourite childhood, and still, movie

The picture has little to do with this post. Or nothing really, I just really love the movie.

I’ve always considered myself “mature, responsible, and reliable.” Three adjectives that are innate to my being since my existence. But there is no task more daunting than MOVING OUT. Dun dun dun duunnnnnn. I’ve moved out before with an ex-boyfriend, but that was different. I didn’t pay rent and I didn’t sign a one year lease. I only did it for 5 months and the relationship ended. Oh my god it is scary. I went and looked at like 10 apartments yesterday and only really liked one. However, I am not looking to move out until January 1 and the apartment is available for December 1. Alas, the first apartment I fell in love with will probably be unavailable by then. I have this endless checklist for my first apartment. If it has ugly cupboards, I don’t want it. Small room and small closet? I don’t want it. Ugly floors? Hell no. So I am looking forward to December…when I will again start looking at apartments and possibly sign my first cheque for a damage deposit and my first ever lease (inside scream!). I’ve been advised against looking at apartments for now…for the obvious reasons that I’ll again fall in love, and it’ll be gone by the time I’m ready to move out. I ordered my first cheques today (I know, SO grown up). What I found so curious was the lady saying, “do you normally have that much money in that account?” It isn’t even THAT much, TRUST me. It kind of gave me confidence that I am ready to move out, but I want to be extra safe and save up an extra month’s wages just in case.

To those who are curious, YES, I have already picked out my furniture and rallied big men to help me lift heavy things. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life.

There was a douchey landlord I met yesterday who was hesitant to show me an ugly ass apartment. He gave me such a critical look. The conversation went on like this:

Douchy man: So, where do you live?

Me: Richmond

Douchy man: why are you looking to move out?

Me: I live with my parents

Douchy man: who pays the rent?

Me: my parents

Douchy man: *funny look like, hey little girl, are you even old enough to be here?*

Me: *asshole get that look off your face* Um, don’t worry I have a job

Clearly, this landlord has problems with people not paying their rent. I was QUICK to get out of that smelly apartment.