NEWSFLASH

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for some life changing breaking news.

Ready?

Life is complicated.

Tada! I am well aware that I have yet to hit the prime of it’s complexity. I’m a mere and youthful 23-year-old. Most of you that are reading this are probably like: “What the heck is she talking about, she’s probably only hit her period a few years ago. She has no idea.”

This may be true, but I have A BIT of an idea. I’m also not stupid so I’m well aware of my surroundings, too aware I may add. I’m too aware of everything and anything. It’s such a headache. I have no idea where I got this trait, it definitely does not make life any easier.

If people don’t talk to me, I think they don’t care about me. I know this isn’t the case though, because I also don’t always talk to the people I care about, not often enough anyways. I’m not a phone person, so I don’t often have phone conversations like the old days. I remember my longest phone conversation was like 6 hours with some guy, I have no idea what we talked about for so long. It’s sad to say that the only phone calls I get these days are from staffing at work. Even then, I often don’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I’m a texter. I text anything and everything. Some things that I text, I know I shouldn’t be texting because the topic of conversation would be more appropriate in person or on the phone, but when I feel like I have to say something, I say it.

The people close to me the most know this about me, but I am not very emotional or affectionate. The only person who I’m ever emotional or affectionate to is my boyfriend. This is not a conscious decision. It just happened. I hate being vulnerable. I have no idea why my unconscious psyche decided it would be appropriate to be the most vulnerable to whoever I’m dating, of all people. The person that has the capacity to be able to hurt me the most. Stupid psyche.

My mind is weird. I am weird. I am a lot more vocal about my feelings these days. A habit I acquired from an ex. I don’t know whether to be thankful or spiteful. But I definitely do not like being needy or emotional.

I am independent, as independent as a person can be. I make people feel unneeded most times, my family especially. I don’t like asking for help, whether it’s my personal  life or my work life. I don’t even like talking about my personal life sometimes. I don’t like to ask for advice because 99% of the time, they’re biased and unhelpful. Most times, they only make you feel even worse than you already did. I can handle things, stressful and complicated things.

I honestly wish I could care less about things and people. I care too much and most times it’s not reciprocated to the same capacity. I know they say to do things for people without expecting anything back, but it’s hard. I still like to think that people would return the favour. But people think differently, and I think too much.

I think I need to read more to get my mind off things that need to be thought about less. I also say sorry too much and ask people too many questions about what they want. I’m a people pleaser but I’m not? Does that make sense? I have no idea. Nobody ever asks me what I want though. But maybe that’s my fault? Being too independent and all, people probably think I’d just ask or something or don’t need anything or anyone.

Who knows, I don’t sometimes.

Despite all this, I feel like I have my shit together compared to most people my age.

I just have to figure out the whole feelings and caring thing. It’s a learning process.

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Online Dating: Hook, Line, and Sinker.

Ah, online dating. I’ve done it, twice. Successful, twice. If you’re patient and know what you want, online dating is for you. But be forewarned, it takes time and A LOT of sifting.

These days, it’s hard to date with our busy schedules. Men claim that Vancouver women are snobby and hard to approach, women say that good men in Vancouver are hard to come by. I agree with both. But then again, when has dating ever been easy? “Nice guys/girls” don’t cut it these days. I’ve seen way too many, “nice guys finish last” headlines on POF, both times I’ve been on it. Sorry guys, takes a lot more to lure a fishy than simply being “nice”. I got more than a few messages starting with, “I bet you get hundreds of emails, but I thought I’d message you anyways”. I was curious one day so I actually counted. Yes, this is true, I got over 200+ messages in a span of a few months. In real life, this would NOT happen, EVER. Unless I happen to be someone famous. So the women who are willing to venture into the online dating scene, take out your glasses, you’ve got some reading to do. Also, try not to download the app on your iPhone, it’s SO counterproductive on work days (I would know). There’s also that dilemma that’ll eventually come up if you decide to date more than one person at a time (I am not against this, but I advice you to be weary). But please, don’t sleep with more than one person at a time, unless that’s what you’re on there for. Men, I do have to warn you that the response rate is discouraging (I’ve heard from several men), but don’t give up!

So why did I do the online dating thing? People would ask me all the time, why are you single? Um, I have no idea, I would say. But then again, there was a time when I didn’t want a relationship so I made myself unavailable. I never get approached in real life. Unless I’m at a club and the guy is half drunk or I’m already in a relationship and they can smell that “she must be a relationship type” pheromones. Or my patients offer me their sons, I’m inclined to decline of course. Anyways, I know what I want, and online dating was like an online catalog. Not interested? Next one. However, the first time around I did not know this Plenty of Fish website existed, nor was I aware of online dating. A friend of mine had an account and was embarassed she had it, so I joined to support her. I had no expectations, but was open to a relationship. I had never had a boyfriend prior to this. I met several men, nothing came of it, and I was on the verge of giving up on the third or fourth month. I met my ex and fast forward 3 years, we break up. I signed up again because it worked the first time so why not? Again, fast forward 2-3 months, current boyfriend. Both times, I met some interesting people who I still speak to once in a blue moon. I am the type that knows I want to continue seeing someone after the first date.

My advice to the men? Don’t be creepy. It’s not that hard. Be sincere and look past the picture. I had a few that admitted they only looked at my picture and didn’t bother reading anything. I appreciated the honesty, but no thanks.

To the women? Also, don’t be creepy. I know that women are also very capable of being creepy stalkers.

To both, be patient, you will get hundreds of messages that vary from:

  • “will you be flattered if an Asian man took you shopping?” (LOL yes this happened, more than a few messages and several attempts to IM me)
  • “hi”, “hello”, “what’s up?”
  • sexual encounter like messages (if you choose “Hang Out”, or “Nothing Serious”, good luck, you’ll get tons of sexual offers)
  • really thoughtful, paragraph length messages that reference parts of your profile (my current bf used this one, worked on me like a charm ;). But men, just because you do this, doesn’t mean you’ll hook her. If you’re not her type, you’re not her type. I’ve sent apologetic messages to men who weren’t my type but took the time to write out long, thoughtful messages. They were appreciative.
  • a comment about your appearance
  • a comment about your headline ( my headlines varied from: Good hygiene is so important, Why did the hipster burn his tongue?, I can type 100wpm, Sweep me off my feet, etc.)
  • a clever joke that will make you LOL, even if you’re not interested, you’ll end up messaging the other person giving them credit for the laugh.

My tips for both the men and the women?

  • Be honest about what you’re looking for. If it’s a relationship or a “hook up”, say so. Some people are on that website looking for something real and they base their choices on the one or two word description of what you’re looking for. You might just miss out on a great relationship.
  • Filter who can message you. You can choose to have an age range, block people who have previously asked for sexual encounters, only have individuals with pictures to message you, etc.
  • Choose to have the option for the other person to see that you have viewed his/her profile. If you’re like me and suck at picking up people, it’s a good tool. The other person will see that you creeped his/her profile and will view yours. If they’re interested, hopefully they will have the balls to message you, if not, too bad. T used this tool and saw that I viewed him and he messaged me. I was too shy and had no idea what to say. So it works!
  • Don’t linger around too long to meet the other person in real life. There are TONS of people on Plenty of Fish, so if you linger around too long before asking the other person out, he or she will eventually find someone else to talk to and move on.
  • Have an image. Some people are still too embarassed to admit they are online dating, but everyone does it! It’s the social norm nowadays and there’s nothing to be embarassed about. Let’s face it, appearances matter (no pun intended). Yes, have an image, but don’t pucker your lips like you’ve just eaten a lemon or angle your neck like you strained it and it’s been stuck like that for days. Have a picture that actually looks like you? There’s nothing more disappointing than meeting someone in real life and having them look a lot different than you had anticipated.
  • Don’t have a half naked picture. It is douchey. Man or woman, even if you have a super hot, sexay boday. You will get more than your fair share of attention, even without your half naked picture. But I guess if you want the sexual encounter offers, go for it. It doesn’t hurt to keep that image private for when you actually start dating the person, makes it that much more special.
  • Think about your profile. If you’re looking for something real, then write real things about yourself. Who you are, your interests, goals. The right people will take the time to read it. It doesn’t have to be super long, just thoughtful. Just don’t be fake, it’ll catch up on you.
  • First date? NOT in the movie theatres. It gives you no chance to connect. First impressions are so important, both of you don’t need to be sitting there in silence wondering if you’re having a good date or not. If you’re shy, go for coffee and a walk on the first date. It doesn’t involve constant eye contact, which I know makes many uncomfortable, just the right amount that implies you’re interested.
  • Follow up. Does anyone still do the three day rule? Not to seem to eager but yet still seem interested? Skip it, if you’re interested after the first date, let them know then or the day after. Both times, I beat them to the follow up. I texted the next day and said I had a really good time and would like to see them again. If you know what you want, go for it. If you don’t get a response, their loss ;).
  • It’s okay to be nervous. You both are, you can even say it, the other person will probably agree and you can both laugh it off.
  • It will be frustrating. You will get a lot of the same messages and you will get frustrated no question. But again, it takes time and A LOT of sifting.

The same rules apply to online dating. Nervous about your first message? Good thing you can take days to think about it and they don’t even have to find out ;).

PS. To the women who are as naive as me and think men are okay being JUST friends, think again.

A great video that sums up my thought of 80% of the men I encountered online.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM

BUT, there are GREAT men online, so give it a try. Just be safe about it :).

Bullies and Suicide

I’m from Vancouver and there has been a recent tragedy and a young teenager committed suicide due to bullying. She also made a YouTube video of her story and how it all happened.

This is really unfortunate. Not just this particular tragedy, but suicides induced by bullying. Suicide is not the answer. I can’t imagine the difficulty children, teenagers, and adults go through when they are bullied. So I’m not going to assume how painful it is. I’ve  had my personal experiences with bullies, minor ones. You see, I was chubby during my childhood and up until my early teens. I recall this guy who I had a crush on ask me if I was “the short fat girl” when I added him on ICQ back in the old days. I don’t remember being too perturbed by it. Fast forward 5 years when I had grown into my body and had lost some weight. Grade 12 grad photo day, he said we should take a photo together. He sees a preview of the photo and says “we look good together”, cue my inside LOL.

Another experience I had was when I was 15-16, I was a stupid teenager who thought it was a good idea to become involved with a “playa”. It lasted 2 weeks, thank goodness. Fast forward a month or so and I meet this girl he’s been on and off with forever, I greet her nicely, she responds with a snappy retort “OH, YOU’RE Helen”. Lol. Anyways, I get a text from my older brother shortly after that and he asks me if I’ve made a new Facebook (or Friendster, I don’t remember) account, I say no, why? He goes ahead and sends me a link of this “new” Facebook account of mine.

Turns out, it’s a hater who made a fake Facebook account about me and another friend of mine (who also dated this dude). It makes fun of how we’re “oriental pigs”. LOL. I wasn’t offended or hurt, it was literally a LOL moment. I still don’t know if it’s her, not that I care. So I go ahead and message this secret admirer of mine. I tell her, “”thank you for all the time you spent making a fake account about me, I really appreciate it. She responds with an extremely defensive, “Blah blah (I don’t remember the first part because I could’ve cared less), If we ever got into a fight, this girl *** would be on MY side”. I tell her, “LOL, I don’t expect her to be on my side, we’re not even friends. I don’t fight”. I continued to flood her with sarcasm for every response she had for me. It was a short back and forth, she probably realized how stupid she was.

Who the heck takes the time to make a fake hate account about a TOTAL stranger, who just happened to date the same shitty guy? I eventually reported the account and it got deleted, I never heard from my hater again. At no point during this endeavor did I feel horrible about myself. I felt sorry for her because she was clearly insecure. I was a stranger to her and she took the time to write malicious things about me. Pity.

I’m confident about who I am as a person, hate me if you’d like, I don’t really care. Sure, I have my days where I’m insecure about my body/appearance, but never my personality or my whole being. But these days, I’m more confident in every aspect of my being than I have ever been.

What’s the lesson here?

Bullies WANT a reaction from you. If you don’t give them the reaction they want, they will stop eventually. Bullies are nothing more than severely insecure people, who we should pity really. But then that would also be a form of bullying.

I understand that it is SO difficult for some people to be resilient and not to let others’ judgements get to them. It is a learning process. Resiliency is gained from life experience. If you cut yourself off from life experience, you’ll never learn what it’s like to learn from the struggles you go through. I agree that it’s unfair for ANYONE be bullied. I understand that bullying is prevalent in all walks of life. Man, woman, child, teenager, adult, seniors, and animals all get bullied at some point or another.

Bystanders also have a responsibility. Don’t be one. Or if you can’t stand up for someone, walk way and tell someone. That may seem harsh, but I’m sure more than one of you have stayed quiet in the presence of someone being bullied and just stood there. If you don’t walk away, you’re giving the bully an audience. It will feed their purpose.

If you’re being bullied, tell someone. Telling someone is not something to be embarrassed about. You’re not a coward for seeking counsel in your parents, friends, teachers, etc. You’re being brave for talking about what you’re going through. It takes a lot for a person to talk about something so sensitive and damaging in their lives. So applaud yourself for talking about it instead of shaming yourself. Your friends and family are there for support. In the cases where there is no personal support to turn to, seek counsel from social networking sites, chat with others going through the same thing, talk to a hotline, etc.

Suicide is not the answer. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering people must go through when they are being bullied to the point where they’re paralyzed. But think about the pain after you’re gone. Your friends and family have to live the rest of their lives without you, that may be just as painful, if not worse.

To the bystanders out there, your silence is just as damaging. So speak up. It brings tears to my eyes every time I see media coverage of individuals being bullied. The recent one was that hall monitor in the U.S.A. that was being bullied by the young students. I cried, it was so sad. (I have leaky tear ducts btw, when people cry, I cry).

We all have so much to say after the fact. But when the bullying is actually happening, half of us probably stand there paralyzed.

Speak up. You have a voice, so use it.

Women and Men

This makes me giggle.

Okay, so I’ve decided that whoever made/created mankind was NOT a woman. Well, I haven’t JUST decided, I’ve been thinking this for a while. Why? Well, I’m sure that if you’re a woman, or a really empathetic man ;), you would know exactly what I am talking about.

It could be because of two reasons:

1. He felt that someone had to go through all these sucky things. Well, it wouldn’t be him or his brethren, so it had to be the women.
2. He didn’t think men could handle going through the struggles, so he picked the women. The superior and more resilient of the species. (I personally prefer this, heh. I’m not a feminist, I’m just partially joking ;))

I’m sure there could be other reasons, but one thing is for sure. A woman goes through way too many things, not by choice, but by genetic predisposition.

  • Why are our clothes SO darn expensive? A nice fitting shirt (that won’t fall apart during the first wash) is at least $30. Then there are the shoes to match, the accessories, the hair, the makeup. I’ll confess now, I’m a VIB at Sephora. I’m nearing 1,000 points. For those who don’t know, 1 point=1 dollar. I know, embarassing and such a waste of money. But I can’t help it, they’re good at convincing you to buy these things that are so colourful and make you look pretty :).
  • The pregnancy and the labour. Or trying NOT to get pregnant. The stretch marks associated, the pain. I mean, hoping it’s a healthy baby, a 6-12 lb thing comes out of there (a beautiful thing, I may add). I feel worse for the small framed women (aka: me). Don’t forget the morning sickness and the baby weight that needs to be lost post-partum.
  • The grooming and the upkeep. The Brazillians are not enjoyable, unless you’re into that type of stuff….If you’re also into the mani/pedi ritual (I am not). That’s $100 a month minimum in upkeep. Plus, you have to wax/shave everything off, EXCEPT your eyebrows. Ladies, do not shave your eyebrows..it’s not attractive. We’re not meant to look perpetually angry, eyebrows are great, please keep them.
  • The mood swings? Well, we’re not all that responsible for it…sometimes. There’s something called hormones that do a little shuffling business once a month that make us go all emotional. There are some women that are just batshit crazy, I agree, but for the most part, there’s some sane women left out there.
  • I saw this thought provoking meme on 9gag a while ago:

    We’re pretty much invincible. Think about it.

     

What do men have to worry about? Well, let’s list some things:

  • finding the right hole and sticking it in
  • making sure the pee goes IN the toilet not AROUND it
  • an enlarged prostate
  • the impending prostate exam in their middle aged years
  • NOT getting a beer belly (some fail at this, even)
  • finding a nice fitting shirt, emphasis on the nice fitting, that shows off the hard work they put in 2-3x a week at the gym (or the progress made by their couch potato/video game endeavors on the weekends, weekdays if they’re unemployed)
  • again, finding a nice pair of well-fitted pants that shows off their butt. Note to the men: having a nice round butt is nothing to be embarassed about, women (at least I can say this for myself) love the nice butts.
  • I mean, these days, you could still argue that there’s an expectation to be the breadwinners of the family, but emphasis on the could. I’m glad to say women are now also capable of being the breadwinners of the family, and *gasp* men can now be the ones who stay at home and take care of the kids!
  • having a car, or at least a working knowledge of transit (I drive everywhere so I suck at knowing what bus to take to where). It doesn’t have to be a nice car, just one that takes you from point A to B, and preferably doesn’t leave oil trails/clouds of smoke on the way.
  • knowing the difference between a pad and a tampon, if you’ve been in a long-term relationship or a husband, I’m sure you’ve been sent out to fetch these things ;). Note: to those who haven’t, there’s a BIG difference okay haha.
  • opening their mouth and saying “hi”, and hopefully not being creepy at the same time, when trying to pick up a girl. (I can write a whole blog about the politics of dating, but that can be saved for another day.)
  • ….not being creepy. Strangely enough, some men have a hard time doing this.
  • having a job
  • putting on deodorant, or the least, not smelling unpleasant
  • having boys that can swim (I’m not being insensitive towards the men who have trouble with this. Fertility is a big responsibility, but women could also have problems with this.)

I can’t think of anything else at the moment, feel free to argue with me about these things. I always enjoy a good hearted debate.

Again, I’m not a radical feminist. I just thought this was an interesting topic. I enjoy the presence of men, the nerdy good looking types are my fav, apparently hipster too (just joking babe, haha).

Relative to women, men have it WAY easier. Let’s get into the dating business another day ;).