Why Your Ex is Your Ex.

Admit it, more than a few of you have dabbled with the idea of getting back together with that ex of yours. You think, “maybe the time we spent away from each other made him/her realize that we’re meant to be.” Or, “I’ve been dating since we broke up and nothing seems to work out, maybe it’s because he/she’s the one?”

Probably not. The catalyst that even suggests the idea in your head is likely the comfort of familiarity. Sure, you and your ex spent a lot of great moments together, shared some horrible fights, and you were each others’ best friend. I’ve been there, I understand, but they are your ex for a reason. It didn’t work out for a reason. Of course there are some couples who get back together and end up happily ever after. But those are rare, like heels that don’t hurt after a few minutes rare. But most often, people do the whole exhausting tango of getting back together, break up, getting back together, breaking up, and so on. It’s not worth it, and it’s a waste of both of your time.

I know the idea of a new relationship and starting over is a scary thought. You have to get to know each other from scratch, get to know each others’ friends and family (worry about whether they’ll like you or not), and get to that comfort level of farting in front of each other (which I do not suggest, unless it happens by accident. In which case, you can try to blame it on the leather couch I hope you’re sitting on.) But maybe you’re just lucky enough to be dating a weirdo who thinks it’s cute when their significant other farts. But I’m a nurse, so farts are the least of my worries when it comes to odours. I don’t think it’s cute, but it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s naturale. Enough about farts, though.

Investing your time in a brand new relationship makes a lot more sense than trying to invest more time in a relationship that already didn’t work. You don’t ever want to get into a place in a relationship where the only thing holding you together is the fact that you’ve already spent so much time together. It makes sense but it doesn’t. Especially if he or she cheated on you, move on. Cheaters will always be cheaters in my opinion. Trust is such a vital component of a relationship. You need to be with someone who you can trust to go out to bars, get drunk, and come home to you without a sense of guilt attached. You deserve someone who loves you and only you. Unless you’re into polyamory. That’s cool if it’s mutual. Personally, it’s not for me. I’m a one man type of woman.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown make you fall back into your old ways. Familiarity is great and so comforting. But your old relationship did not work out for a reason. You may have wanted different things, were in different places in your life, so move on. Those things are not going to change. Sometimes they do, but often they don’t. The other person may make you think otherwise because they also want familiarity back, but it’s likely not going to work out in the long run.

NEWSFLASH

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for some life changing breaking news.

Ready?

Life is complicated.

Tada! I am well aware that I have yet to hit the prime of it’s complexity. I’m a mere and youthful 23-year-old. Most of you that are reading this are probably like: “What the heck is she talking about, she’s probably only hit her period a few years ago. She has no idea.”

This may be true, but I have A BIT of an idea. I’m also not stupid so I’m well aware of my surroundings, too aware I may add. I’m too aware of everything and anything. It’s such a headache. I have no idea where I got this trait, it definitely does not make life any easier.

If people don’t talk to me, I think they don’t care about me. I know this isn’t the case though, because I also don’t always talk to the people I care about, not often enough anyways. I’m not a phone person, so I don’t often have phone conversations like the old days. I remember my longest phone conversation was like 6 hours with some guy, I have no idea what we talked about for so long. It’s sad to say that the only phone calls I get these days are from staffing at work. Even then, I often don’t answer and let it go to voicemail. I’m a texter. I text anything and everything. Some things that I text, I know I shouldn’t be texting because the topic of conversation would be more appropriate in person or on the phone, but when I feel like I have to say something, I say it.

The people close to me the most know this about me, but I am not very emotional or affectionate. The only person who I’m ever emotional or affectionate to is my boyfriend. This is not a conscious decision. It just happened. I hate being vulnerable. I have no idea why my unconscious psyche decided it would be appropriate to be the most vulnerable to whoever I’m dating, of all people. The person that has the capacity to be able to hurt me the most. Stupid psyche.

My mind is weird. I am weird. I am a lot more vocal about my feelings these days. A habit I acquired from an ex. I don’t know whether to be thankful or spiteful. But I definitely do not like being needy or emotional.

I am independent, as independent as a person can be. I make people feel unneeded most times, my family especially. I don’t like asking for help, whether it’s my personal  life or my work life. I don’t even like talking about my personal life sometimes. I don’t like to ask for advice because 99% of the time, they’re biased and unhelpful. Most times, they only make you feel even worse than you already did. I can handle things, stressful and complicated things.

I honestly wish I could care less about things and people. I care too much and most times it’s not reciprocated to the same capacity. I know they say to do things for people without expecting anything back, but it’s hard. I still like to think that people would return the favour. But people think differently, and I think too much.

I think I need to read more to get my mind off things that need to be thought about less. I also say sorry too much and ask people too many questions about what they want. I’m a people pleaser but I’m not? Does that make sense? I have no idea. Nobody ever asks me what I want though. But maybe that’s my fault? Being too independent and all, people probably think I’d just ask or something or don’t need anything or anyone.

Who knows, I don’t sometimes.

Despite all this, I feel like I have my shit together compared to most people my age.

I just have to figure out the whole feelings and caring thing. It’s a learning process.

That Dreaded Life Timeline

Let’s face it, at one time or another, everyone had a timeline. The naive, yet optimistic, probably still do. Brutally honest, but you have to be a little naive to think that life falls exactly into place at specific times. Specially if you are in your mid-20’s or so, it just means you’ve yet to experience life. Or, you’re just in perpetual denial. I’m not saying I’m starting to become cynical, just more realistic that’s all. The two can easily be confused with the other. I still believe in good people, love, and all that good stuff. I’m just more aware of the opposite.

What did the naive in me think?
I thought that I’d be married by 25, kids by 28 the latest and so on. I’m only 23 so that could still happen, but I won’t know until I get there. Things will happen for me when it’s my time. I’m in no rush.

What are some of the things I don’t believe in?
-Love at first sight. I feel like this is more infatuation more than anything. How do you know you love someone without knowing who they really are? I know I fall easily, but I also fall out easily. But that’s just the impulsive/passionate Leo in me. I’m too critical to fall in love at first sight.
-Destiny? What is destiny? Dictionary.com says “the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.” I don’t believe anything is predetermined. I think a lot of things are by coincidence. I know I question why things happen sometimes, but it’s hard to believe that each of our lives has a specific course it’s suppose to take.
-Religion. I just don’t. I don’t have anything against people who believe in religion, just don’t impose it on other people. Morals and values exist outside of religion and you’re naive and stupid if you think otherwise. I don’t believe in the bible and it’s contents. Don’t try to convince me because I’m not looking to get convinced. I was brought up Catholic for 18 years, so I’m not just some outside entity who has had no exposure. I’ve had tons and I’ve had enough of it.

I would still like to believe that there is such thing as “forever.” That each person will find someone that they’re compatible with and will spend the rest of their lives with. I want that. The vows, the struggles, the laughs, the vulnerability, the togetherness, I want that with someone. But I know it’ll take time. I’m still so young but I’ve learned to stop expecting things to happen at certain times, I just know things happen for people if they are open to it. Love for example, people may continuously complain about being alone and how it’d be nice to be with someone. But love takes A LOT of sacrifice in every aspect. It’s not just the good stuff. What defines a relationship for me are the struggles. If we can pull through our fights and deal with them in a mature and respectful way and come out stronger, then I’ll know that it’s a relationship worth being in.

It is a slow process, old habits are hard to break, but I’m willing to learn. I’m still a-glass-half-full type of girl but I’m also human.

SCREAM!

Not the movie, I just feel like that right now. I don’t mean: I-want-to-dress-up-in-a-cape-and-mask-and-murder-people. I mean, I just want to figuratively “scream” I’m so frustrated.

I should really be sleeping right now since I have a super early morning tomorrow, but I’ve got too many thoughts in my head to do so. Too many negative thoughts I may add. 90% of the time I try to be as positive as I can, considering my job title, I see a lot of negativity in my daily life. I try to be that sunshine that brings smiles to other people’s faces.

BUT, there is that 10% where I feel like I’m allowed to be negative, angry, and insecure. I am pissed right now, like SO annoyed. Sometimes I wish this blog was anonymous so I can be more open about what’s going on in my life, but, it’s not, so too bad for me. Let’s just emphasize how annoyed I am that something is not going to happen. You know when you’re SUPER excited about something and then find out it’s likely NOT to happen, but there’s still a small chance of it happening? And you’re annoyed at the possibility of it not happening because you’re super excited, so you’re like FUCK IT, I don’t want it anymore. I’m like that right now.

click on it, it’s a wonderful .gif

And because I’m a girl, I’m putting in passive aggressive comments into the mix. Such things like: “I don’t care”, “whatever”, “sorry, I’m being bitchy (but after the comment continue to be bitchy anyways)”, “do whatever you want”, etc. It doesn’t help that I was feeling insecure earlier this week about certain things. I’m not afraid to share the fact that I had a crying driving session on my way to work. Everyone needs a good cry sometimes. But that was settled, kind of. It’s one of those things where you still need to see some things change before you can say they’re actually settled. I know I just got back from Vegas, but I feel like I need to get away again already. Is that bad? Wanting to escape instead of dealing with things? I feel like people can agree with me about this, but whoooo knows. I’m really not in such a bad place, just having a super bitchy/bad mood night. I am glad I’m working tomorrow because I forget about things when I’m there, happiest place I can be. Weird to say I know since it’s a hospital, but I feel the most in my element when I’m there and I love seeing my cute little old patients :).

Also, my grammar is really bad when I’m angry, so excuse me. Hope everyone gets better sleep than me tonight.

Being a Grown Up is Scary

Image

my favourite childhood, and still, movie

The picture has little to do with this post. Or nothing really, I just really love the movie.

I’ve always considered myself “mature, responsible, and reliable.” Three adjectives that are innate to my being since my existence. But there is no task more daunting than MOVING OUT. Dun dun dun duunnnnnn. I’ve moved out before with an ex-boyfriend, but that was different. I didn’t pay rent and I didn’t sign a one year lease. I only did it for 5 months and the relationship ended. Oh my god it is scary. I went and looked at like 10 apartments yesterday and only really liked one. However, I am not looking to move out until January 1 and the apartment is available for December 1. Alas, the first apartment I fell in love with will probably be unavailable by then. I have this endless checklist for my first apartment. If it has ugly cupboards, I don’t want it. Small room and small closet? I don’t want it. Ugly floors? Hell no. So I am looking forward to December…when I will again start looking at apartments and possibly sign my first cheque for a damage deposit and my first ever lease (inside scream!). I’ve been advised against looking at apartments for now…for the obvious reasons that I’ll again fall in love, and it’ll be gone by the time I’m ready to move out. I ordered my first cheques today (I know, SO grown up). What I found so curious was the lady saying, “do you normally have that much money in that account?” It isn’t even THAT much, TRUST me. It kind of gave me confidence that I am ready to move out, but I want to be extra safe and save up an extra month’s wages just in case.

To those who are curious, YES, I have already picked out my furniture and rallied big men to help me lift heavy things. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life.

There was a douchey landlord I met yesterday who was hesitant to show me an ugly ass apartment. He gave me such a critical look. The conversation went on like this:

Douchy man: So, where do you live?

Me: Richmond

Douchy man: why are you looking to move out?

Me: I live with my parents

Douchy man: who pays the rent?

Me: my parents

Douchy man: *funny look like, hey little girl, are you even old enough to be here?*

Me: *asshole get that look off your face* Um, don’t worry I have a job

Clearly, this landlord has problems with people not paying their rent. I was QUICK to get out of that smelly apartment.

Bullies and Suicide

I’m from Vancouver and there has been a recent tragedy and a young teenager committed suicide due to bullying. She also made a YouTube video of her story and how it all happened.

This is really unfortunate. Not just this particular tragedy, but suicides induced by bullying. Suicide is not the answer. I can’t imagine the difficulty children, teenagers, and adults go through when they are bullied. So I’m not going to assume how painful it is. I’ve  had my personal experiences with bullies, minor ones. You see, I was chubby during my childhood and up until my early teens. I recall this guy who I had a crush on ask me if I was “the short fat girl” when I added him on ICQ back in the old days. I don’t remember being too perturbed by it. Fast forward 5 years when I had grown into my body and had lost some weight. Grade 12 grad photo day, he said we should take a photo together. He sees a preview of the photo and says “we look good together”, cue my inside LOL.

Another experience I had was when I was 15-16, I was a stupid teenager who thought it was a good idea to become involved with a “playa”. It lasted 2 weeks, thank goodness. Fast forward a month or so and I meet this girl he’s been on and off with forever, I greet her nicely, she responds with a snappy retort “OH, YOU’RE Helen”. Lol. Anyways, I get a text from my older brother shortly after that and he asks me if I’ve made a new Facebook (or Friendster, I don’t remember) account, I say no, why? He goes ahead and sends me a link of this “new” Facebook account of mine.

Turns out, it’s a hater who made a fake Facebook account about me and another friend of mine (who also dated this dude). It makes fun of how we’re “oriental pigs”. LOL. I wasn’t offended or hurt, it was literally a LOL moment. I still don’t know if it’s her, not that I care. So I go ahead and message this secret admirer of mine. I tell her, “”thank you for all the time you spent making a fake account about me, I really appreciate it. She responds with an extremely defensive, “Blah blah (I don’t remember the first part because I could’ve cared less), If we ever got into a fight, this girl *** would be on MY side”. I tell her, “LOL, I don’t expect her to be on my side, we’re not even friends. I don’t fight”. I continued to flood her with sarcasm for every response she had for me. It was a short back and forth, she probably realized how stupid she was.

Who the heck takes the time to make a fake hate account about a TOTAL stranger, who just happened to date the same shitty guy? I eventually reported the account and it got deleted, I never heard from my hater again. At no point during this endeavor did I feel horrible about myself. I felt sorry for her because she was clearly insecure. I was a stranger to her and she took the time to write malicious things about me. Pity.

I’m confident about who I am as a person, hate me if you’d like, I don’t really care. Sure, I have my days where I’m insecure about my body/appearance, but never my personality or my whole being. But these days, I’m more confident in every aspect of my being than I have ever been.

What’s the lesson here?

Bullies WANT a reaction from you. If you don’t give them the reaction they want, they will stop eventually. Bullies are nothing more than severely insecure people, who we should pity really. But then that would also be a form of bullying.

I understand that it is SO difficult for some people to be resilient and not to let others’ judgements get to them. It is a learning process. Resiliency is gained from life experience. If you cut yourself off from life experience, you’ll never learn what it’s like to learn from the struggles you go through. I agree that it’s unfair for ANYONE be bullied. I understand that bullying is prevalent in all walks of life. Man, woman, child, teenager, adult, seniors, and animals all get bullied at some point or another.

Bystanders also have a responsibility. Don’t be one. Or if you can’t stand up for someone, walk way and tell someone. That may seem harsh, but I’m sure more than one of you have stayed quiet in the presence of someone being bullied and just stood there. If you don’t walk away, you’re giving the bully an audience. It will feed their purpose.

If you’re being bullied, tell someone. Telling someone is not something to be embarrassed about. You’re not a coward for seeking counsel in your parents, friends, teachers, etc. You’re being brave for talking about what you’re going through. It takes a lot for a person to talk about something so sensitive and damaging in their lives. So applaud yourself for talking about it instead of shaming yourself. Your friends and family are there for support. In the cases where there is no personal support to turn to, seek counsel from social networking sites, chat with others going through the same thing, talk to a hotline, etc.

Suicide is not the answer. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering people must go through when they are being bullied to the point where they’re paralyzed. But think about the pain after you’re gone. Your friends and family have to live the rest of their lives without you, that may be just as painful, if not worse.

To the bystanders out there, your silence is just as damaging. So speak up. It brings tears to my eyes every time I see media coverage of individuals being bullied. The recent one was that hall monitor in the U.S.A. that was being bullied by the young students. I cried, it was so sad. (I have leaky tear ducts btw, when people cry, I cry).

We all have so much to say after the fact. But when the bullying is actually happening, half of us probably stand there paralyzed.

Speak up. You have a voice, so use it.